1.27

"Nana, there is nothing to forgive. Janet is good at fooling everyone. She even fooled me into thinking she had changed." Kaylee shrugged. "It is what it is. I know that if you would have known when I was younger you would have came for me. I know that."
There was an awkward silence and Kaylee looked around for something to say. She smiled when her eyes fixed on the pottery wheel.
"You throw clay?"
She heard movement behind her. "I did. I've been doing it for years but I had to stop awhile back."


Kaylee turned to see Nana massaging her wrists.
Nana laughed. "I got old and got arthritis. Something that brought me so much joy ending up bring me a lot of pain as well."
"I throw clay." Kaylee found it funny that the things she had thought were odd about herself were just bits and pieces of faint memories from her childhood that had stuck with her.
A small smile crossed Nana's mouth. "I remember when you were little you used to stand in front of me and stick your hand in the clay and squeal at the cold, stickiness...but you kept doing it!"
Kaylee smiled. "Maybe, some day, you'll come visit Ty and I and I can show you some of my old stuff. Or I could bring it here," she said quickly when she saw a strange look cross Nana's face.
"That sounds like a plan."
Kaylee bit her tongue to stop herself from asking which option.
"Have a seat Kaylee. I have something that I want to give you. Something that I think that you should have."
"Nana, I didn't come here to get things. I-"
"I have a feeling you'll want this."
Kiki walked into her bedroom and reaching under her mattress pulled out an item. Running her hand slowly over it she smiled fondly before walking back out to the living room.

"This is Terry's journal. He had a stack of these things but this is the only one I was able to grab. There's...there's a letter in here for you. Or rather a rough draft. He, he...never was able to finish it. Anyways, I think he would want you to read what he was able to put down."
Kaylee reached for the well worn journal.
"But I want to take you somewhere first. You can read it there."
"Okay."

Utopia Cemetery
Kaylee froze when she saw the sign hanging over the arch way. She shook her head.
"No, I can't go in there."
Kiki rounded the hood of the jeep to loop her arms through Kaylee's. "It's not a bad place, bug. I come here all the time to visit your father. It's a place of solitude for me. If there's one place all the hoodlums respect it's the cemetery so no one bothers me here." She tugged on Kaylee's arm but Kaylee planted her feet.
"No, I'm just not ready to go in there yet."
"That's okay," Kiki said in soothing tones making Kaylee feel as if she were five years old. "Ty and I will go in and just have a look around. I pull weeds and straighten things up while I'm in there."
"Fine, you go ahead and do that. I'll just be over on that bench with the journal. I'll be there when you guys get out."

Nana looked at her for a moment with a small smile, as if she were remembering some vague memory, before she turned around and slipped her arm into Ty's.
"Oh wow, you have some big guns. They don't look this large on TV. What can you bench press? I remember, when I was about thirty years younger, I used to..."
Kaylee hid a grin when Ty winked at her over his shoulder before he lead her grandmother into the cemetery. Stifling a shudder Kaylee walked over to the bench.

Placing the journal beside her she stared out at the empty expanse across the street. It looked as if they were building another subdivision, she thought absently. Without looking she reached over and ran her hand over the cover of the journal. Her father used to keep a journal. Just like her. Or rather how she used to. She had been neglecting it of late with everything that was going on but she intended to change that. Shaking her head she stopped procrastinating and flipped to the last journal entry. That was the place where Nana said to start.


Taking a shuddering breath Kaylee gently closed the book and clutched it to her chest for a moment before placing it down and wiping at her cheeks. She hadn't even realized that she had been crying. Her dad. He had been thinking about her future and his had been cut short. Taking several calming breaths she rose and started to head into the cemetery but came to an abrupt halt when she heard childish laughter. Close on the heels of the child's laughter she heard a man's deep baritone as he agreed that her dress was fabulous. She squeezed her eyes closed then opened them. They were still there.



"Thanks for the dress dad!"
"Anytime sweetheart."
"I love you daddy. Don't ever, ever go anywhere."
"I won't. Not if I can help it."
"Promise"
"Cross my heart and hope to die-"
"Stick a needle in my eye!" they said in unison. The little girl reached up for a hug.

"Go play now sweetheart. I have someone I need to talk to."
"Okay daddy. After will you come watch the clouds with me?"
"Of course sweetheart. Who else but you know what a girafadolphinpus looks like?"
"Your so silly daddy." The little girl skipped off and the man watched her go with a fond smile on her face before turning.

"Am I dreaming?" Kaylee blurted as she watched her younger self plop on the ground before carefully smoothing out her dress. She remembered this day. She remembered that dress. She had been upset because it had been left behind when they had first moved.
Her father shrugged. "Not exactly. I don't know how this works myself. I've been asking them for awhile now but they kept telling me I would know the time. Then all the sudden they appear and tell me to hurry up and go."
"They?"
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. You'll know them when you see them. They like you by the way...but I don't want to talk about them."

He walked up to her and placed a very solid hand on her shoulder. "You look good. I always knew you were going to be a stunner. You looked too much like your mother not to be." He shook his head when he felt her stiffen. "Hey, like her or not Janet was a beautiful woman. She just let circumstances blind her is all." He grimaced. "She let A LOT of things get in the way of her being good to you. I'm sorry for that."
"There was nothing you could do. You were, are, dead."
Terry sighed. "Unfortunate but true. And would you look at this. My little girl is going to have a baby."

He bent down and started to talk to her stomach. Much the same way as Ty did. She swallowed past the lump in her throat as he jabbered on with her stomach. She jumped when the baby gave a hearty kick. Terry laughed.
"Oh, you're already like your mother. She used to do the same thing." He looked up at her.
"Come on. Lets go sit under that tree over there. I know you have a lot of questions and fewer people will be able to see you over there. You'll look less crazy."

"Am I the only one that can see you?"
"Right now you're the only one that needs to see me."
"And why do I need to see you?"
He shrugged. "That's what you have to figure out sweetheart." He tugged up a blade of grass, slipped it into his mouth and began to chew on it. He offered her a blade but she wrinkled her nose and shook her head.
"I still think that's gross."
He laughed. "Yeah, I know you do. I was just testing you. God, I missed talking to you. I missed your birthdays and I missed watching you grow up. It's not the same just watching."
"Are there a lot of..." Kaylee floundered for a word and finally just settled on one she thought would be appropriate. "Spirits just watching everyone else go about their daily life?"
"What else can you do when you're unexpected ripped away from everything you've ever known and loved? You want to make sure they can get on without you. Of course there are those that become resentful because their families did move on. That's where the premise of ghosts came from. They aren't just content to watch. They want to be a part of their families lives again."
"That's awful."
"Tell me about it. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted."
A realization suddenly struck her and she turned to look at him. "You've seen everything?"
He nodded.
"Everything?"
When he looked at her his eyes were haunted. "Yes," he said thickly. "I've seen everything. I've seen Janet go from man to man to man. I've seen the way you've had to struggle and the heartbreak she's caused you. Janet will have a lot to answer for. Not just to a higher power but from me as well. I won't be so forgiving. I understand that we were in love but she had an obligation to you, if nothing else. And when she failed at that whatever I felt for her faded. I still love her but I don't know this woman she has become. I don't want to know this woman." He sighed then waved his hand. "But this isn't about me."
"What is it about?"
He shrugged. "You have to tell me."

They talked about everything. How he was so proud of her for keeping her act together when she didn't have to. How he had cried when she had gotten married. They had fallen into a companionable silence with him stretched on his back and her sitting crossed legged when he suddenly pointed.
"Look, there goes a girafadolphinpus!"
Kaylee looked up and sure enough there was a giraffe with a dolphins tail and the legs of an octopus. They had come up with that silly name years ago. "It's been awhile since I've looked at the clouds."
"Don't let this be the last time. Gabe might enjoy looking at the clouds with you and Ty when he's a little older. He's a smart kid."
"Yes he is."
"His dad shouldn't have taken that knife to his face though." She whipped around to see him fingering the scar on his own face.
"What do you mean?" she demanded.
"He got so angry when Gabe wouldn't stop crying. Janet was drunk, the nanny had the day off and Gabe was hungry. He kept telling Gabe to shut up and when that didn't work took out the knife and pressed it against his face. He's a kid not someone that owed him money. Gabe jerked to get away from the cold blade and..." He made a slashing movement with his own hand before he turned to look at her. "It required seventeen stitches. I admit that I did 'push' Janet to bring the baby to you."
She blinked back tears. "Thank you."
"Hey, don't cry. At least Gabe is too young to remember exactly what happened. And he loves you and Ty to pieces."
"We love him too."
"I knew you would." He got up and his hand appeared in front of her face. "I believe you owe me a dance."
She slipped her hand into his and he tugged her to her feet. "Huh?"
"A father is supposed to dance with his daughter on her wedding day. And since I wasn't able to be there..."

"That Ty is a good kid."
"He's the best."
Terry laughed. "That's what he thinks about you too. When he's not thinking about sex that is."
"Dad!"
Terry roared with laughter then shrugged. "Hey, he's a hot blooded adult male. What do you think we think about?" He gave her a sly smile. "Although your mind isn't too far behind his. Why I-"
"DAD!!" Kaylee felt her face flush in embarrassment.
"Oh sorry. I didn't know you were going with the immaculate conception theme here," he said nodding down to her swollen stomach. She rolled her eyes and then started to laugh.

He spun her around one more time before speaking.
"Hey, they're calling me back sweetheart. It's time for me to go."
"What? No, you just got here!" she said squeezing his hands. He smiled.
"I've always been here," he said pointing to her heart.
"Why did you come here if you were only going to leave again?" she demanded angrily.
"You tell me."
She frowned. "I don't know!"
He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Yes, you do. Think."

"Wait! Don't go!"
"I have too."
Kaylee could feel big, fat tears coursing down her cheeks. "I love you daddy," she sobbed.

"I've always loved you little girl. I always will." He smiled fondly at her. "Think about me from time to time. It'll lessen the pain you know."

She looked down at the ground as he started to fade away. She didn't want to see him leave. She couldn't bear to let him go for a second time.
"I'm never that far from you. You may not see me, but you'll be able to feel me."

When she looked up he was gone. She scrubbed angrily at the tears on her face. She was too old to have abandonment issues. She pinched the bridge of her nose. She was had said her good-byes a long time okay. Her hand slowly dropped away from her face. Or had she? If she really had would she be feeling this raw now? Had she been harboring resentment against her dad because he had been killed? That was crazy! It wasn't like it had been his choice. Janet had had choices. Her father's had been taken from him. He wouldn't have left which is why he had been killed.
"Well, duh!"
She walked quickly into the cemetery and saw Ty and Nana plucking at weeds around a grave. When they saw her Ty at first looked worried but Nana whispered something to him and they walked away. She dropped down to her knees in front of the small, unmarked cross.

"I finally figured it out. I was supposed to say good-bye. All these years I've been harboring this anger toward you for dying and leaving me with Janet. But, like you said, you never left. I moved away from you."
A weight seemed to suddenly be lifted from her. She really and truly had let go of the past.
"Good-bye Daddy. Rest now. I'll be okay."

Getting up she turned and started down the path to where Ty and Nana were waiting for her.



No one is really gone you know. Not as long as the ones they love live and continue to love.