1.4 {Part II}

Maybe I should have looked back, but I didn't and before I knew it the years had flown by. We still didn't have that much money when I found out that I was pregnant with you. Your father was thrilled and his excitement was contagious. He insisted that I stay home from work and every chance he got he was cuddling with me and talking to you. You loved the sound of his voice. You'd become so active when he'd croon to you how much he loved you.

Near the end of my pregnancy Kiki, Terry's mom, moved in. She was the one who helped us during the first few years when we were still kids trying to be adults. She insisted that we move in with her and when we finally saved up enough money to find a place of our own she cried and told us that we didn't have to go. I loved her as if she was my own mother. It was good to have someone around the house with me while Terry worked.




He had given up his dream to become a musician around the time I moved out of mother and father's house. To this day I still feel guilty for making him give up his dream. Although back then he would always insist that I had nothing to feel guilty about. You came into this world so serene. You didn't cry or anything and for a moment I feared that you were still born. Until Terry picked you up and started to hum to you under his breath and you blessed him with that killer smile that you still have...that one that anyone rarely sees anymore. From that moment on you were daddy's little girl.

We had just found out that I was pregnant again when, out of the blue, your grandparents called and said they would like to talk to us. To clear the air. We agreed but I was feeling so ill that Terry insist on going by himself. I didn't want him to. I knew my father too well. He was conniving. What if he said something to make Terry decide that he didn't want to be with me? That he didn't want to be with us? We hadn't gotten married yet. We were young. There was still time for all of that later, we thought.

Terry went to meet your grandparents alone. I gave him a hug before he left. He looked at me, gave me that sly grin that had I fallen in love with then bending down he picked you up and swung you around. I still remember the sound of his laughter as he gave you a smacking kiss on the lips before he got into the taxi.

We went to the playground right by the apartment complex. Do you remember how much fun we had? Then you decided that you needed a bath at three in the afternoon because you had just gotten a new pair of pajamas. So, I gave you a bath and you went into your room to try them on. Terry had been gone for over three hours and I was starting to get worried so I called my father. He picked up on the first ring.
"Is Terry still there dad?" I asked without preamble. There was a moment of silence and then his voice came over the phone. I'll never forget how cold he sounded.
"There's been accident."
"W-what kind of accident?" I demanded.
"Terry and I had a little...disagreement and he stormed out of the house. He wasn't looking where he was going when he crossed the street."
"Dad, what are you saying? Is Terry okay?"
There was a heartbeat of silence. "I'm sorry pumpkin. They airlifted Terry two hours ago. I'm afraid he didn't make it."

I didn't find out until after the funeral that Terry hadn't been crossing the street. A nosey neighbor happened to be looked out her window and she saw Terry and my father arguing. Terry started to walk down the sidewalk when out of nowhere a car jumped the crub, smacked into him and then, without even a pause, kept right on moving. She said that my father stood over Terry's bloody form, just watching, before he turned back toward the house.

I mourned like an animal. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to eat. All I wanted to do was sleep because I thought I might wake up and it would all be a bad dream. But...it wasn't. I lost the baby and I couldn't stand to look at you. You looked so much like him it just tore my heart in two. I know it was wrong and by the time I finally resurfaced I was just so numb and I didn't want to bridge the gap that had formed between us. Loving people just got you hurt. So, I closed myself off and turned to alcohol. And when that wasn't enough I turned to bodily comfort. And dear God, every man I've ever had never touched me like Terry did.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure you heard that conversation between me and...well, I'm sure you heard it. And I'm glad you did. There's no happily ever after kid...and people don't change. You remember those two things and you'll never be disappointed. So, I guess this is good-bye. I've screwed up your life enough right? I left you some money under my pillow. Do your homework, keep your nose clean and...make something of yourself. Leave a legacy behind.

Janet